Mr Swiss and Hotclaws have reached Los Angeles after travelling from Calexico and are driving about looking for a place to hold up, soon they come across The Westin Bonaventure Hotel and Suites on South Figueora St, there is a sign saying.

Animal Friendly.

They both look at it then each other park up get out and book in, Mr Swiss uses a fake credit card in the name of Hanson.

Getting to their room Mr Swiss tosses his suitcase on the bed and looks out of the window and sees a swimming pool below.

Hotclaws leaps on the bed and says.

Are we going to sit here and kick our heels and paws again.

No, I’m placing a call to THE KITTY CAT CLUB in Manchester and find out what they know, I don’t like doing nothing Mike could be in danger and the sooner we meet up the better.

Don’t phone from here.

I’m not, I’ll walk down the road and call from a booth.

OK, I’ll have a nap and with that Hotclaws curls up and falls asleep.

Mr Swiss makes his way down South Figueora and finds a phone booth, he makes a reverse charge call and is connected.

He has a conversation that lasts forty minutes then makes his way back to Hotclaws.

--------------------------------------------

OW OW.

Shut up Mad, what were you thinking of by walking in front of a bus you idiot.

I looked and nothing was coming all of you had crossed and I looked for traffic but the bus was on the wrong side of the road, then it hit me.

The bus driver gets out of the bus and walks towards us, Mr Tiddlywinkles and the others disappear into the shadows, only Tirana is with me.

Are you a lunatic, you walked in front of me it’s lucky you are still alive but you have upset me and I will sue you.

PISS OFF.

What did you say, did you tell me to piss off I have a black belt in karate so do not tell me to piss off.

OK I apologise I didn’t mean it but just go and go now will you.

Don’t tell me what to do I’m going to sue you for stress and everything that my lawyer can come up with, you are going to make me rich.

GO AWAY.

What is your name and address and I’m calling the police and you are going in a cell.

I’m sorry to inform you I don’t have time to spend in a cell I have a large explosion to organise and set off so please go.

An explosion who are you.

I crossed the Mexican border two days ago and I am an agent from Al Queda we will bring American capitalist pigs like yourself to your knees.

Mr Tiddlywinkles appears from out of the shadows and says.

For God’s sake Mad what are you doing and saying we have work to do.

Bus driver looks on in shock and says.

OH MY GOD A TALKING CAT.

A what.

He points to Mr Tiddlywinkles but then Angus appears and says.

I’m sorry to interrupt Mr Mad but we have to organise things as soon as possible if you are to go tonight, there is such a lot to do.

Bus driver is in a state of shock.

Cleo appears and says.

Do you want me to rip his throat out.

Bus driver passes out, Tirana and myself carry him back to the bus and place him down in the drivers seat, the bus is empty apart from him, I see an all night store and buy a bottle of whisky I pour some down his throat and spill it on his clothes after wiping it of my prints I place his hands around the bottle so only his prints show up and drop it on the floor, I’d hate to be in his shoes when he try’s to explain what happened.

We get back to the motel and plan our actions, after looking at the maps that we printed off I say.

This is it boys and girls.

For God’s sake Mad stop wittering and get on with it.

Just give me a second will you, and stop interrupting.

GET ON WITH IT.

We have large scale maps of Fayetteville and Fort Bragg and surrounding areas, this is what we do.

To the South of here is a truck park it caters for all types of trucks, Tirana and myself go in and borrow two gas trucks we take them to the rail line that passes Bragg from the South East and place them away from the line, we want no injuries, we also place the explosives that we got from Kersch we place them about, then I go to Bragg and Tirana will use the computer to open the programme which will send messages between Bragg and The Pentagon.

Once all hell breaks loose I go in and find this James Carpenter and have a chat with him.

How do you get into Bragg.

There will be chaos, The Pentagon tells Bragg a train carrying ethanol has exploded and in a separate private carriage is vials of smallpox and Ebola virus and I said in the messages that a special form of Aids virus is also there and it can be become airborne and cause thousands of deaths in the immediate area, also a highly virulent form of swine flu that could mutate.

Everybody will be running about getting ready to move, there will be personnel outside making their way to Bragg, I find someone the same size as me and borrow his uniform then go in shouting then come out again.

It might work says Tiger.

Tirana come with me we have two trucks to borrow and I will tell you the codes to put in the computer and when, I tell Mr Tiddlywinkles and the others what they will be doing and we set off to the truck park.

----------------------------------------

Guilliduchi and The Black Knights of The Catholic Church are in Carlson and wondering about looking for The Antichrist but not having not much luck, people seem afraid to talk and most shun them.

But then a van appears and stops and an old hippy gets out with a look of hatred on his face and walks up to Guilliduchi and says.

I’m looking for the Moon people they are here I know it God told me, and they have a talking dog, they are all commies.

I am a time traveller and working on the orders of God, and I have guns.

Guilliduchi feels unwell, and has a frontal trouser accident.

Two members of The Black Knights turn up and one says.

We are after the same person he is a heretic and an abomination to God.

YES YES he is he must be killed as soon as possible.

Can I join up with you.

Certainly, you are welcome.

I’ve got guns in the van I’ll be right back, he walks off.

The Black Knight says.

We have a patsy, this idiot will be arrested for murder after we kill the Antichrist and we walk away, this is getting better all the time.

The two of them laugh, Guilliduchi starts to prey, he has a bad feeling that things will go amiss.

Wan Kersch has come up with a plan while thinking to himself.

The North Korean that is not North Korean and that woman is not Iranian and the talking dog are from the Moon, the other cats and dogs are from the Moon I must kill them all.

When they put me in trances they killed and buried body’s on my property I will hunt them down and I will be a hero.

My house will become a National Monument and people will flock there and throw roses and demand that I be made President of the United States and people will love me.

I am the saviour of the whole planet.

Yes hunt them down but how do I do that.

I know I need transport first, I better not use the patrol car I need a civilian type of car, but I’m dressed as a policeman I must change but where do I get that from.

Lights approach from out of the darkness and it’s a van.

Kersch stands in the middle of the road and points two guns at it, the van screeches to a halt, he looks at the van and sees flowers painted on it and the word, peace, everywhere and ban the bomb symbols, he orders everybody out.

Kersch looks at the passengers in the van and is now convinced he is a time traveller, he’s travelled back to the sixties as two men and two women get out and are dressed as hippies, multi coloured shirts and dresses and Cuban heeled shoes, he orders them to strip naked.

One of the men says.

Who are you , you look like a policeman but you have blood on you are you OK.

Kirsch punches him knocking him to the ground.

One of the women screams.

Bartholomew are you all right.

SHUT UP WOMAN, now come with me or die, he leads them to the dead policemen and gathers their handcuffs and says again .

STRIP OR DIE.

Shaking with terror they all strip, Kirsch picks clothes that fit and dons them, he handcuffs them together around a tree so they cannot escape.

Bartholomew says.

Why are you doing this, we are just going home as we went to a fancy dress party, we have done nothing wrong, we have no drugs or weapons, I am a lawyer and these are my associates.

DO NOT LIE, you are drug fuelled hippies I am a time traveller and this is the sixties, I have a sacred mission to carry out and that is to kill the Moon people and the talking dog and the other cats and dogs.

I will soon be President, you will bow down before me and love me, the Moon people are evil and they are green as the Moon is made of green cheese.

He gets in the van and drives off.

Bartholomew says.

WOW, the stuff he smokes must be good.

Kersch decides to head to Carlson.

-------------------------------------------------

Guilliduchi and The Black Knights of The Catholic Church are almost at Carlson and in a few hours time there will be a strange meeting and an even stranger partnership will be formed.

--------------------------------------------------

I’m walking down the road with Tirana and I ask her what time it is.

Just six thirty why.

I need a computer now as I’m going into Bragg tonight and we have a lot to do, I explain exactly what is going to happen and the time frame.

There’s so much to do it cannot be done.

Trust me and besides, remember I had Mr Tiddlywinkles hypnotise me I don’t want to lose memory’s again before we pull this off.

We are going to be very busy then.

Yep, now lets find a computer store or office with weak alarm systems and I can get started as this will take some time, I just want to get in set things in motion and be out before anyone realises, if we do this during opening hours there’s a possibility somebody will notice so lets go.

We walk off and turn a corner and who is sat there looking at us, none other than Mr Tiddlywinkles Tiger Fluffy Puss Angus and Cleo.

Mr Tidlywinkles says.

What are you doing Mad, we saw that shot phone booth and all agreed it was you am I right.

OK I killed a phone booth, but right now I need a computer so go and find me a computer store or office.

Stay here, we will find you one, they all run off, I roll a cigarette much to Tirana’s annoyance.

I shrug my shoulders, minutes later Tiger reappears and says.

Hey numbnuts I’ve found a computer shop follow me, he walks off we follow and come to a place called.

Colin Cutlers Computer Courses +Children’s Crèche.

A bloody Crèche what’s this sort of place.

They have computers so do what you have to do I’ll get the others and keep guard, he runs off.

There is a mediocre alarm system almost antiquated, but the front entrance is on the main road.

Tirana and I walk round the back where it’s dark and very quiet and there is no sign of anyone, this is it our door.

Five minutes working on the alarm and the door locks we are inside, I have a quick look about for sensors and light beams, all is clear.

Upstairs now and away from the windows this may take some time so keep a look out, anything strange and we are out of here fast, also find a laptop that is working we will need that later.

I sit down at a computer and think.

The others have turned up and spread out watching, all seems clear.

I turn the computer on and start.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The Pentagon.

General, Sir General we are being hacked someone’s trying to get into the mainframe.

Calm down Major, our security is airtight after those High School kids got in we are totally protected nobody can get in.

Sir he’s in and doing I do not know, but he’s by passing all the protocols.

Impossible, the latest upgrade to security cost millions, find out where this dead to be person is.

I’ve got him, he’s in Fayetteville, he’s at Fort Bragg.

Make your mind up where is this person.

He’s in Paris, no London now Moscow, he’s using an ever increasing loop, Melbourne, Anchorage and Hanoi, even The White House.

What’s he doing.

He seems to be putting messages into the mainframe.

REMOVE THEM NOW.

I can’t I don’t know where they are they disappeared into the background and we can’t find them, he’s in control of the mainframe.

OH DEAR GOD.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I turn the computer off after setting it to the way it was before and we make our way outside after printing out large scale maps of Fort Bragg and Fayetteville and the surrounding area.

All is going well up to now.

We all make our way back to the motel but I stop at a phone booth.

Tiger says.

Are you going to kill that phone Mad.

Shut up, I need to talk to THE KITTY CAT CLUB in Washington.

Tirana makes the call and passes the phone to me and I am speaking to someone called Mr Purple.

I think for a second then say.

I have to put off what I was going to do as the time is too constricted, so I will go into Bragg in forty eight hours, I will keep you updated I’ll talk to you in two days time. I slam the phone down.

Tirana says.

What are you saying, you are going in tonight.

I don’t like the way people just keep turning up, who can we trust, I don’t want to walk into a trap.

Mr Tidlywinkles twitches his whiskers and says.

Mad may have a point, who do we trust.

We cross the road but I get hit by a bus and fly across the road.

OW.

A car pulls up in front of us and three men get out, they walk towards us Tirana and I have our guns out and hidden expecting the worst.

I roll the window down and say with a smile on my face.

Can I help you in any way.

Two of them stand back while one of them rests his hands on the door and says.

I am here to tell you something.

And what would that be.

Leave America now and live, if you decide to stay here you will most certainly die.

He goes back to the car and gets in with one of the others, the third man approaches and says.

I am giving you a card and on it is a number phone it at five A.M. your call will be expected, he then walks off and gets in the car and it drives off.

Mr Tiddlywinkles and Cleo return and I open the door for them and they get in and Mr Tiddlywinkles says.

Who were those three.

Spooks I guess most likely CIA or NSA come to put the frighteners on us, leave America or die but one of them gave me a card and said to make a phone call at five AM.

Show me the card, I hold it out for him and he reads out.

Jacob Jacobson

Jewish Jewellers

Georgetown

Washington

He reads the number and says.

That’s the area code for Washington, I think I know who will be there.

I agree it’s a high possibility.

Tirana says, what are you talking about, I start the car and we set off.

That phone number is most likely THE KITTY CAT CLUB Washington sub-branch.

Now everybody hold on I want to get to Fayetteville and settled down before I call them, I set off at speed.

----------------------------------------------

Wan Kersch is in the back of a patrol car his hands cuffed behind his back but as Kersch is one of these survivalists he has many tricks up his sleeve, the patrol car gets on the highway heading to town he is sat between two policemen, they are not worried but then Kersch frees himself from the handcuffs and bides his time.

They pass houses and shacks then enter open countryside he then acts.

Aaaarrrgghhh it hurts I have a pain in my stomach and I will sue you if you don’t pull up and let me out for a while, I need a dump.

Tommy, pull over for a second and let this killer have a dump.

The car comes to a stop and one policeman opens the back door, as he looks away Kersch smashes his head against the door, an instant later Kersch hit’s the other cop in the back then as the driver turns his head to see what is going on he is hit on the nose and slumps down.

Kersch gets out and grabs the keys and takes the cuffs off that are just on his left wrist, he grabs a gun and shoots all three of them then drags their body’s behind some bushes and plans his next move.

He notices one of the cops is roughly the same size as he is so he strips him and dons the cops uniform.

He has three guns and plenty of bullets.

He looks up and sees a full moon he fires six bullets at it and walks about mumbling to himself and decides to kill the North Korean and the Iranian and the talking dog, and the other cats and dogs.

The North Korean smokes Cuban cigars he is a commie he must be but he doesn’t look North Korean, and the Iranian is black she must smoke Cuban cigars as well, yes that’s it they are all commies, I bet they all smoke Cuban cigars while they play Texas Hold em Poker on Saturday nights.

And the cats and dogs must smoke Cuban cigars as well, yes that’s it.

He paces up and down the side of the road when a car’s lights come into view.

The car comes closer and Kersch waves it down, it comes to a stop and a man gets out, he is just over five feet tall and wearing thick glasses and says.

Are you in need of assistance Officer, you seem to have blood on you are you OK.

Kersch points a gun at him and says.

Who are you.

I’m Alfred Williams, I am the local manager in the office of The Readers Digest Magazine.

Kersch goes ballistic and jumps up and down then he has a think and all becomes crystal clear.

He says to Alfred.

I know what’s going on, I see the light and it’s all clear now I watch Star Trek and The X Files.

Aliens are here and they communicate through The Readers Digest sending messages to each other, so that means the North Korean who is not North Korean and the black Iranian woman are from the Moon, they are here to take over the planet, but they have forgot about me I am the saviour of the planet I will save us all.

He walks up and down the side of the road and plotting, he fires another shot in the air.

Alfred slowly gets back in his car, the engine is still running and he sets off at speed throwing up dust, Alfred is wishing he had passed the entrance exam into the Navy Seals as working for The Readers Digest Magazine is getting a bit hazardous.

He says aloud.

I will send an e-mail to the police in this area and I might use a naughty word as I feel so strongly about this incident.

-------------------------------------------------------

Guilliduchi is trying to keep out of the way of The Black Knights of The Catholic Church but it’s hard to do as they are in a small room hidden away, everybody seems to pick on him and he’s not happy.

He hears a phone ring and ten minutes later someone enters the room and says.

The Antichrist was seen in Carlson not long ago, I have a map with the place marked go in peace my brothers and kill that fuck, a bus will be here soon to take you there, he makes the sign of the cross and walks out.

The Black Knights gather their gear and check their weapons and are ready, a horn sounds and they all walk out and see a school bus.

A priest comes out and says.

This bus was given to us by Michael Jackson it was used mainly to take young boys to the swimming pool and sometimes Michael would go as well, he helped to undress the boys and after they came out of the pool he would take their swimming costume off and rub them down with a towel, he really enjoyed doing it.

Guilliduchi wants to be sick, they all climb aboard and it sets off heading to Carlson.

----------------------------------------------------

We arrive at the outskirts of Fayetteville and look about, we still have time before the phone call and find a small motel, we book in Tirana and myself and get a room, we get our gear from the car and I open the door and am nearly knocked over as Mr Tiddlywinkles Tiger Fluffy Puss Angus and Cleo charge past and commandeer the bed.

Looks like I’m on the couch again.

I say.

That’s it I’m going down the road and making that call now, I’ll see you soon and I walk out.

Mr Tiddlywinkles says.

Tirana go with him and keep an eye on him.

She follows me. I find a phone and make the call after looking at the business card.

A phone rings and is picked up and a voice says.

State your name and current address and your number.

Listen I was asked to call this number at five AM I know it’s a bit early but I’m here now and I have an idea that you are speaking from the Washington sub-branch of THE KITTY CAT CLUB so put somebody on the line.

State your name and current address and number.

How would you like me to come there and give you a slap.

State your name and current address and number.

Get someone to talk to me.

State your name and current address and number.

Give me your name as you are going on my hate list.

State your name and current address and number.

Tirana takes the phone off me and talks to the person at the other end then she hands it to me.

The voice says.

Mr White is in conference with Mr Black, Mrs Grey is busy and Mr Green is on the other line, please hold.

What the hell is this Reservoir Dogs let me speak to Mr Vermillion then.

Mr Vermillion is out at the moment.

State your name and current address and number.

I slam the phone down grab Tirana and walk away, then I pull my gun and blast the phone to pieces, we run off down the road, Tirana’s not happy and she says so.

I’m having one of those days and it’s not even five AM yet.

We find another phone booth and Tirana calls the number talks for a minute and hands it to me.

The voice says, please hold the line.

I say.

My name is Rumplestiltskin I live in a hole in the road and my number is 1234567890987654321.

Tirana slaps me and says.

Mike calm down I know you are under a lot of pressure but these people may be able to help.

I needed that slap I was getting out of control and this should not happen, mistakes can be made, and fatal mistakes.

A mans voice comes on the line and says.

Am I speaking to a madman.

Yes, I am a madman and I have certain troubles which need to be remedied.

The phone makes static noises and I know the line is put on a scrambler there is no way to trace the call.

What are you going to do.

I’m going to walk into Fort Bragg and talk to James Carpenter.

Do you need anything, everything is at your beck and call.

No I have a plan just watch the news you might be impressed, I know I will be if it works and I don’t die.

Anything you want just call this number.

Thanks, once this is over we could have a beer together.

I hang up.

I look in the mirror and notice eight police cars they are headed to the hut or shack of Mr Wanker, I counted them as they went past.

Fluffy Puss says.

I have a question, you said when we get nearer to Fort Bragg you would track and find one of these survivalist people and watch them and then borrow stuff off them, but you just charged in and found someone, how did you know and why because we are still far away from Bragg.

It was just a wild guess and it played out, it means we have extra time to plan and not worry about getting explosives.

We drive off into the dark.

----------------------------------------------

The police arrive at the track that leads up to Wanker’s place and turn, they arrive at the cabin and get out holding guns and see Wanker tied to a tree, policemen spread out looking with torches and a voice shouts out.

Detective Wilson over here, there is a body and he’s one of us a cop.

Everybody walks to the grave and look down.

Wilson says.

He’s a cop killer and look at those other dug holes, something big happened here, get in touch with Headquarters we need flood lights and more men and sniffer dogs and forensics then tear that place down plank by plank, and you Sargeant Pretrious come with me, we are going to have a talk with this Kersch person.

They walk to Kersch and Wilson says.

You are a cop killer there’s no telling what will happen to you.

IT WAS NOT ME IT WAS NOT ME.

Who did it then.

It was the North Korean and the Iranian woman.

Wilson and Pretrious look at each other.

OK a North Korean and an Iranian came here and killed a cop and buried him is that what you are saying.

Yes, that is what I am saying.

When was this.

A few hours ago.

A cop walks up and says.

Reinforcements are on the way, I checked the badge number and it seems to be patrolman Alec Houseman he just disappeared three months ago, he had just been married for a year and has a five month old daughter.

He looks at Kersch and just wants to shoot him.

Go back and organise people now go.

He spits at Kersch then walks off full of anger.

Right Kersch a Korean and an Iranian did this did they do anything else.

Yes, the Korean offered me a Cuban cigar and said he was going to kill the President and put cats and dogs in charge he’s a lunatic, you want to arrest him.

Anything else.

He didn’t look Korean he was white and the Iranian was black.

Anything else.

There was a talking dog.

WHAT.

Dogs and cats arrived and started digging holes on my property and burying things to implicate me.

Another cop arrives and says.

We’ve found more body’s and large amounts of weapons and ammunition, he’s got enough to start World War Three.

Wilson says.

You are not getting away with an insanity plea, no nice hospital for you and after a few years you get released you are going down and hard.

Wilson and Pretrious walk away and Wilson says.

Has he been read his rights.

I’m not sure everything just happened fast.

Make sure he is read his rights and get him in the back of a patrol car with a driver and two guards, this psycho is not getting off.

-------------------------------------------------

Mr Swiss and Hotclaws have been kicking their heels and paws in Calexico waiting for this so-called contact but no-one has shown up.

Hotclaws twitches her ears and says.

I don’t like it here something is wrong I suggest we move out and keep low and just watch the local TV channels and read local papers, because knowing Mad something will turn up.

Mr Swiss finishes a cigarette and puts it out by stamping on it, he looks about and seems worried. he says.

I agree, we will go north to Los Angeles.

They go to the motel and Mr Swiss packs his gear and then they set off to Los Angeles.

----------------------------------------------------

A plane lands at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, the plane came from Rome and on board is a very nervous priest by the name of Guilliduchi, also on board there are twenty two members of The Black Knights of The Catholic Church.

Guilliduchi had only been in contact with them by phone and when they finally met at Rome’s International Airport and he met them he was worried, they look large and scary and not very well mannered.

Guilliduchi wonders if he can get out of this awful predicament but he is stuck, all he can hope for is a good ending resulting in the slaying of The Antichrist Mad and these are the people to do it.

They pass through customs all smiles and hello’s and make their way outside.

Waiting for them is a fleet of limo’s and they all get in and are driven to The Church of The Holy Saint’s where they are given food and refreshments and offered a selection of weapons, they change clothes and get armed and are ready, they just wait for a message to tell them where The Antichrist is and they will move in and kill everyone in the area sparing no-one.

-------------------------------------------------

We arrive at Carlson a small town and pull up, we enter a diner and order I tell the owner the cats and dogs were ill treated by their previous owners and we are getting them back to be used to people, and I say a lot more.

The owner says.

No problem you are doing a good job, I have two cats and a dog that were from a rescue centre and you are most welcome.

We all get food and tuck in, at that moment the door opens and an old man enters.

He looks about and sits opposite me and orders coffee, I find this strange as the place is empty apart from us, there are plenty of empty booths and tables that he could have sat at.

He looks at me then says.

So it is true you have arrived, many thought you were dead after you disappeared years ago and yet you are now here this is a miracle, but heed my warning you are surrounded by traitors and paid informants, be on watch at all times.

What are you talking about.

I then notice Mr Tiddlywinkles and Cleo walk out of the open door, I know they are going to talk to the cats and dogs in the area.

There is a price on your head a very big one, certain people know you are going to Alaska and they will do anything to stop you, they must stop you because if you get there and make things public the world will be in turmoil, you will be responsible for destroying religion of all types, Catholic Muslim and every other religion, I cannot stay here long as I might have been followed but I give you a warning.

Stay low and out of sight, but you also have friends that you do not know about.

He walks out of the door.

Tirana looks at me and says.

What was that about, do you know him.

I seem to remember him from way back but I can’t exactly place him.

I think we had better go and hide out for a while.

We get in the car and wait for Mr Tiddlywinkles and Cleo but then.