It would be nice to think that we could just learn from our mistakes, that we aren’t doomed to pay for them forever. But, while many of us do learn from mistakes we’ve made in our lives (I mean the biggies here), the truth remains that it would have been infinitely better had we never made those mistakes in the first place, because there’s no escaping the price…and that price is infinite. You don’t ever finish paying it; there isn’t a point where it gets paid off and you are free. Once the mistake is made, you carry the consequences of that bad choice until you die!

The biggest mistake I ever made (and I’ve made some real dooseys) was to get married to the wrong person when I was just 18 years old because I was under the impression that good girls marry (and, I really wanted to be a good girl, but I had this sex drive, you see…) and, I was also concerned – irrationally – that if I didn’t hurry up and get married that I never would – that no one would ever want me. So, I married the first person that came along… and, the thing is, he didn’t want me. He married me for mostly the same reasons I married him: not out of love, but out of some perceived desperation and a rejection complex.

I paid for this mistake for 7 years that I remained in the emotionally abusive relationship, a victim of neglect and worse, and I hoped and prayed that after I finally had the courage to leave this insanity that I would have paid my dues for my great stupidity and just be able to get on with my life. Ah, if only it worked that way.

However, I brought two lovely girls into this world via this messed up marriage-that-never-should’ve-been, and now we all (them, me, my ex-husbeast, my beautiful man Jamie, my mother and sister) are still paying the price for my supreme idiocy 16 years ago. So, not only do we – ourselves – continue to pay – in anguish and emotional scars and whatever else might be the due – for our own mistakes; we hurt others, as well.

My Jamie knew even before he entered into his own marriage-that-never-should’ve-been that it was a mistake, but by the time the wedding arrived he felt pushed into a corner, like he had no choice but to marry the wrong woman and try to make it work. For this he got a few years that were all right, but the rest were misery. He endured over a decade of essentially crap marriage.

Now, because they didn’t bring children into the world, one would hope that after he woke up and smelled the coffee and got out of it that the debt one pays for grand folly would be paid in full. Ah, but noooooooo….

Because he kept quiet for his entire sentence of marital-unbliss, when he decided to leave he was met with the disapproval of friends and family alike. And, then, when I was brought into the picture…well, suffice it to say, we still have problems with certain people who just can’t grasp the fact that Jamie left his ex because he was miserable with her, because she lied to him, because she neglected him, and mostly because both of them were unhappy. The kindest thing he could do for her was to leave her… so that they could both find happiness. Do certain people care about this? Ohhhh, heck no! One member of Jamie’s family actually hates me and thinks I’m the worst thing that has ever happened to him, even though Jamie tells me the opposite: that I am the best thing to ever happen to him, that I make him happy, and have made his dreams (of having a loving wife AND A CHILD – something his ex-wife denied him even though, before they were married, she told him that she did want children) come true.

He still pays the price for a mistake made – and corrected – years ago. We both still pay the price…and, apparently, on one level or another, always will.

Of course, one could argue, we are no longer paying for our own stupidity anymore (because we did learn from it), but for other peoples’ stupidity and wilful ignorance of the truth. And, this may be so. But, there again, the truth remains, had we not committed the original stupidity, we wouldn’t have to deal with the other peoples’ stupidity now.

What brings this up now (even though it has been a bone of contention for quite some time) is that we are presently faced with an impossible situation having to do with my daughters from my previous marriage-that-never-should’ve-been. We want them to come and live with us, and my ex-husbeast is now in agreement with this, but due to the way the immigration laws and fees are, we are looking at an issue that will take a miracle to resolve. If there isn’t that miracle, there will only continue to be misery on all sides.

My point here (and, I do have one, I promise) is this: if you have even one little minuscule feeling of doubt, one tiny second thought, one point where you question some big decision you’re making for your life… step back! Re-evaluate! Don’t end up with eternal regret and never-ending debt for a mistake that could have been avoided.

Now, I’m not saying that I wish I’d never had those beautiful daughters. But, it is true, I would rather have never had them than to have to see them in the pain they are in now, with their future so uncertain, in turmoil and fear. It would have been better for them to be born to another couple, a couple that should’ve been…but, I won’t get into the philosophy of all that. All I want to say here is…if you can avoid the biggies, do so! Hindsight is 20/20, yes. But, it doesn’t do much good if you – and others you love – are never free from the consequences of the mistake you’ve made. Think before you leap.

My gorgeous daughter, bless her, has taken to not sleeping at night...well, not sleeping for long periods anyway. So...I am sleep deprived and quite cranky.

Anywho, the time has come to say goodbye to 2007, and welcome 2008. So, here I am, raising a toast to all my dear ones, and wishing you all a very happy new year!

I don't do resolutions; they tend to be too much like good intentions: tarmac for the road headed to an unpleasant place! I certainly would like to endeavour to be a better person in 2008, but I'm not going to set unrealistic goals for myself that are surely only going to frustrate and depress me.

The main thing I could do with in the new year is to become a more positive person (well...and to get more sleep, of course). I know that my desire to be more confident, less anxiety-ridden, and better able to truly enjoy my life - the ability to be happy - will only be possible if I rid myself of the negative thoughts that plague and torment me and consistently replace those thoughts with positive ones.

2007 was a year of discovery and acceptance. However, while I learned and accepted some things about myself, I haven't reached full acceptance. I'd like to do that; I'd like to find peace. Oh, but that is an ambitious thought.

I want to worry less and smile more. Genuinely smile, from a heart that is free, from a mind that is unfettered.

This would be wonderful, but I will not make resolutions, because I'll only disappoint myself if I do. Instead, I will begin 2008 with HOPE...and take it from there.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's Christmas Eve, and I am happy.

I have a husband who loves me - and wants me, and makes me feel special and desired and beautiful (he calls me "TFAG", which stands for "Totally, F***ing, Amazingly Gorgeous"...and he really means it!!! Isn't that...WOW? It's amazing, it's wonderful...it's WOW); he makes me feel like I'm somebody worth being married to, and we have a beautiful baby girl with which to share this glorious holiday time with. I am blessed.

True, we don't have much money, and the presents are few, but we are together. That is what is important.

I miss my family - my sisters, my mother, my older children, and my best friend Dana, but they are in my heart, as I know I am in theirs. I am loved.

I have good friends who genuinely care about me. Most of them may live thousands of miles away, but distance doesn't matter; I still know they are there for me - whether far or near.

It's Christmas Eve, and I have the pleasure of seeing all things new through Fairlight's eyes this year: the lights, the presents, the music, the Christmas story itself.

We will watch "It's A Wonderful Life" tonight, and I will cry...again (tearing up now, just thinking about it), and will be reminded afresh that, yes, it truly is.

It's Christmas Eve, and I am happy.

Merry Christmas!

And now that I've been all emotional and sentimental and such...somebody, please pass the Bailey's! LOL